Guest posts

Christian’s New Book by Helen Hurley

September 9th, 2008

Posted By adam

I’ve just finished perusing Christian’s Free Handy Manbag-Size taster of his new book called “The Men Commandments” and feel compelled to blog.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of the OC and think he’s a fabulously talented, intelligent and entertaining man. But I must take issue with his latest oeuvre, which in my opinion* is just hilariously atavistic, neo-sexist, steaming horse manure.

Apart from making the grossest generalisations which (I say**) simply do not apply to real-life, grown-up women, I do have to wonder what planet the OC lives on. Says he: “At no other time in history have men been so openly ridiculed-and we only have ourselves to blame. We have never been so confused about how to be a man”.

What twaddle! Men have never had it so good! Just because the OC may be having some kind of early mid-life metrosexual breakdown doesn’t mean the rest of the world isn’t turning on the exact same axis as it always has: primarily for the comfort and enrichment of the menfolk. According to a survey in 2007, UK working women who live with a man do an average of 15 hours of housework a week compared with the man’s paltry 5 (usually spent washing the motor with the footie/cricket on). And despite more UK women working than ever, they earn on average 17% less than men and only 10% of directors in the top UK 100 FTSE companies are females.

I would venture that the reason why some women might be inclined to replace the loo roll, write the odd shopping list and tidy up a bit is because unlike some (note: not all) males, they’d rather not eat and sleep in a proverbial flea-pit.

I’ve known some very untidy females and have encountered some very bitchy men. It’s infantile to pigeonhole the sexes in such an outrageously cack-handed way. Stick to the radio O’Connell! When my husband told the obstetrician not to even contemplate delivering our second son by caesarean section** until the day AFTER the 2006 World Cup final, I didn’t even wince. It’s just the same shit, different day! But I did bet Nick £10 on the spot that England wouldn’t make it past the Quarter Finals (he paid up later, grudgingly). What the doctor made of this bizarre transaction, I’ll never know. But I have a fair idea of the pummelling the OC will get on Loose Women next week on ITV1 and I can’t wait to bunk off to see that.

And by the way Christian, if you’re having trouble getting the missus out of “Nana Knickers” (p.24) and into sexy lingerie, perhaps you should work on your lovemaking techniques and stop blaming us birds for everything. Ha ha. Just a thought. Ciao baby!

Helen

*fair comment
**therefore must be true
*** for a medical reason, not too posh to push

10 Comments

  1. llia,
    September 9th, 2008 at 2:15 pm:

    I doubt there’ll be any need to bunk off, I’m sure we’ll all watch it together in the Zoo.


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  2. The OC,
    September 9th, 2008 at 5:47 pm:

    So you want the actual book now Helen?

    Sounds like you have read quite a fair bit for someone so offended, why not put it down?

    Infantile? Infants cannot use computers to complete literary classic like this, trust me I tried.

    You are the first women to moan about it to be honest, even Mrs Dickens has read it cover to cover and the Loose Women loved it and found it funny. As did Cat and Miss Baker.

    But hey, can’t please everyone thanks for trying it and bringing it to the blog. Your husband has my commiserations.

    The rest of you with senses of humour, it’s out next week!

    “All you ladies who want to know how your man REALLY thinks, read this book.
    And weep.”
    News of The World


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  3. Serena Maya,
    September 9th, 2008 at 6:52 pm:

    We’re really looking forward to reading this after hearing so much about it..! still trying to decide which book signing to attend!! Serena & Aidan :)


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  4. Linda Dickens,
    September 9th, 2008 at 9:22 pm:

    I did indeed read Christian’s book, but I’m not going to defend it. Because it doesn’t need defending. I genuinely enjoyed it, chuckled, smirked, and even uttered the odd gaffaw. More than that, I actually found it an interesting social commentary - where is the Mr T for the next generation? The loud and proud “men as friends” example for today’s 12 year olds, let alone 20 year olds. Dare I say it, but perhaps Christian needs to develop a new project - the screenplay for a kind of male Sex in the City. Perhaps his head would implode at the mere thought….?


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  5. Marty from new yawk,
    September 9th, 2008 at 10:18 pm:

    Helen, get back in the kitchen where you belong!


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  6. Marty from new yawk,
    September 9th, 2008 at 10:19 pm:

    Helen, my last post was a joke. I felt the need to clarify for you.


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  7. PF,
    September 10th, 2008 at 9:34 am:

    If there were any lingering cynical thoughts that this blog might be subject to censorship or spin, I think they have now been dispelled. Often it takes a legal expert to do this.

    There is a staggering amount of wit and intelligence spread (sometimes thinly) throughout one golden square, the proof is in our output & the pudding of these pages or whatever you call them in webworld. We also love a good scrap. Seconds out…..


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  8. One Golden Square » Hurley v O’Connell by Geoff Lloyd,
    September 10th, 2008 at 10:45 am:

    [...] is spilled, may I congratulate both Helen and Christian for giving us this blog’s only true water cooler moment so far. From the vantage point of my sickbed, I’m envisaging battle lines being drawn [...]


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  9. Helen,
    September 10th, 2008 at 12:19 pm:

    Thanks for being such a good sport Christian! And for taking my spontaneous (and homespun) critique on the chin with characteristic good humour….You know, it really is my favourite personality trait in a man or a woman. I think we’ll just have to shake hands and agree to disagree. Suffice to say,I’m used to having views which may jar with mainstream thinking which is why my parents locked me up at a young age (12).It’s all grist to the HH mill!Moreover,I’m honoured to be the first woman to moan about this,I’m sure I won’t be the last(in your case,with luck, and a bit of technique).Thanks also for enlightening us all further on the awe-inspiring machinations of your byzantine mind. I really think you should donate it to medical science some day….so that future generations can marvel at the abundance of wisdom therein. In the meantime, I will pass on your commiserations to my better half who says that women bring beauty (and a nice smell)to the world. Awww. I wish you all the luck in the world with your book-I’m only sorry I’ve so far managed to read the freebie taster version …but you know how it is, with kids and work etc-it’s so hard to juggle everything.If you wish to send me a free copy of your full-length tome in all its literary glory I assure you I’ll happily speed-read it when I’m not busy descaling the kettle or washing the shower-curtain.
    Lastly, I’d like to refer you to Moliere,the great French comedian (no, that’s not an oxymoron) who said:
    “La grande ambition des femmes est d’inspirer l’amour”
    which roughly tranlated for a primitive person like yourself means: “The great ambition of women is to inspire love”. Mmmmm.
    I think old Moliere was onto something there.
    A toute a l’heure voltigeur.Excuse my French. HHx
    ps your dinner’s in Sainsburys


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  10. Natassia,
    October 4th, 2008 at 12:45 am:

    Obviously Molière wasn’t a comedian, living in the 17th Century as he did, he was a playwright who wrote mainly farces.


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