‘Sup pilgrims?  Digital Digest is quite obviously a couple of days late, and for that I can only apologise.  But (and to quote Big Brother 2 contestant Paul Clarke) these things happen when you’re living life “like what I would consider, an international popstar”.  Yes the last three days has been nothing but red carpet events, champers and Jack Daniels mixers, and two nights at the Continental Riot House on Sunset Boulevard.  Except it hasn’t.  I’ve just been lazy.  And instead of all of the above actually happening, my weekend was consumed by the ‘big food shop’, microwave dinners, and a big time sulk about missing the X Factor.

Anyway, what this does mean is that I should have had plenty of time to prepare a sleek, polished and informative Digital Digest – recapping on all the events of last week’s big online movements.  But no, I’m winging it again.

So, last week online… The iPhone 4S was announced!  Cue literally hundreds of thousands of people rushing to their MacBook Air’s to have a bit of a whinge that it wasn’t the launch of an iPhone that was followed by the number ‘5’, and that the way the phone actually looks is largely unchanged from the current model.  What it does include however, is a brand new 8 megapixel camera, capable of recording video in 1080p HD video, iOS 5 (the new operating system), and ‘Siri’ an omnipresent, ever-ready, and slightly scary personal assistant who will always be there to answer your beck and call.  She (yes, I’m already referring to her as an actual person) freaks me out.  And this isn’t some sort of nagging, slightly humorous fear (like my natural aversion to crabs – it’s the way they walk).  This is a full blown, god-fearing, turn you white as a sheet in shock fear, that I can only hold at bay thanks to the fact that deep down inside I’m hoping you can change her programmed voice to that of either the butler from Mr Deeds, or Jack Bauer.  I’d find the whole idea of ‘Siri’ a lot nicer if she had the warm, charming qualities of this chap, or if it screamed at me like this.  Because when Jack’s involved, you know everything’s going to be alright.  Unless you’re his daughter.  Or his wife.  Or the entire cast of 24 who were killed off in the Series 5 opener.

I can’t exactly pin-point this fear of Siri down to one specific reason.  Maybe it’s the way she understands what is being asked of her even if you ask in a way which is basically idle chit-chat.  Maybe it’s because she has an answer for absolutely everything.  Maybe it’s because she is always there, always watching, tracking your every move, annotating your every message, talking to your friends… basically imitating your life.  And one day, she’s going to replace you. 

You’ll come home to find your partner sat opposite an iPhone at a candlelit dinner table, sharing a bottle of wine, playing footsie.  That’s your wine, dammit. 

You go to the office, and there it is again: a stark white iPhone sat at your desk, next to your cup of coffee.  In its cold and calculating voice it shares anecdotes from your weekend.  It flirts with your crush from the post room (and it’s better than you at it). It receives your employee of the month award.  Before you know it, you’re fired.  The iPhone reclines in your old seat. 

It’s Christmas morning, and your iPhone is opening your presents with your family.  The kids call him ‘daddy’.  You look in from the snow outside, through your old living room window.  Cold.  Defenceless.  Replaced.

So that’s it then, the iPhone 4S – coming soon!  And it’s going to kill us all.

But hey, don’t worry too much, I mean remember how stupid phones used to look.  And if that doesn’t cheer you up, then this probably will.